I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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