Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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