i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
