if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
