the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
