Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
