She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
