Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
