Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
