Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
