mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
