DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
