I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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