Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
