I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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