Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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