take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
