I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
