i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
