i just had sex bonerless
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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