Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
