i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
