Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize