Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
