my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
