Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
