The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
