mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize