Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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