Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
