If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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