all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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