Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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