So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
