I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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