hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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