she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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