Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Houston, we have a blender
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
