Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
