dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
