Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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