I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
