I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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