you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
