Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
