...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
