The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
