I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
