I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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