Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Barsexuality is the new black.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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