saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
