so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
