I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
