Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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