history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
they're like a gay fantastic four
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
