Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
