Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
