I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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