Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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